A Star is Born and My Life "in" the Movies

I originally wrote this post in 2018 right after seeing Bradly Cooper's version of "A Star is Born”. It was the very first time I saw a death depicted that was all to similar to how I had lost a friend a couple years prior. I had a reaction to that movie that I was embarrassed by and couldn’t understand. So I did what I always do in those situations. I came home, sat down, and wrote it out. Wrote until I was able to understand it.

What would have been that friends birthday is coming up next month, and they've been heavy on my mind latley. I keep remembering this post and thought I would share it here.

Oct 3, 2018

I wanted to work at a movie theatre all those years ago because I wanted to work somewhere, anywhere, that had anything to do with what I loved. At the time it was movies. It was probably greatly influenced by that ill fated desire to be an actress when I grew up. After college I had a picture of Diablo Cody kissing her Oscar for Juno hung in my room for inspiration because by then I wanted to write a movie (not star in it) that resonated with people like hers did. If even with just an ounce of that cutting wit. I like working in places where I can be surrounded by what I’m passionate about even if its on the most basic of terms. Movies are an influential part of our lives. We all have a favorite. We all remember when some iconic blockbuster that defined our generation came out. We have characters in those movies we love and relate to. You’d be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t.

Sometimes movies can just mirror something back to you like nothing else can. Sometimes that can hit too close to home. The movie in its entirety might not, but something about it is a glaring reflection of things we want to see… or things we don’t. And maybe you’ll find yourself in the passenger seat of you mother’s car balling your eyes out in the movie theatre parking lot. Where any passersby can see and (oh good god) maybe even hear the sobs. Who are likely (and justifiably) thinking “Jesus lady get a grip, its just a movie”. But sometimes it’s not “just a movie”. Sometimes it’s that mirror you haven’t wanted to see. Sometimes its reflecting back to you something you didn’t think actually broke you… or at the very least wasn’t still breaking you… and here, in front of you, is this damn silver screened mirror reflecting back that it actually did, does, and likely always will. There are some things you’ll never be able to see, or some songs that you’ll never be able to hear… that aren’t going to break you, just a bit. That aren’t going to put you back in a place and time, good or bad.

I loved the movies for that… but when I was 16 movies were only bringing me back to the good times. If they broke my heart it was for something it was showing me for the first time. My first break up, my first loss, my first betrayal was all felt for the first time while I sat captivated in my seat at the movies. Same goes for my first love, first date, first triumph. They all played out on that screen, that I lived so vicariously through, before anything real ever happened to me.

Once you’ve lived life a bit more… it feels like it’s your memories playing out up there. Okay so maybe It’s different, probably better-looking, faces in more exotic locals with a killer soundtrack playing in the background. But even with all that its still some part of your life being inadvertently recreated on that screen. A piece of your heart being mimicked accidentally. You’re tied to it. You feel it in a way maybe you shouldn’t. Like someone cheated and plagiarized part of your story for theirs. Reality is, in pain and in happiness, there are just some things that are universal. Human. Something that speaks to me for one reason will speak to you just as strongly for another. When you look at it that way, it’s not so lonely in this world. And THAT is why I love the movies… even when they hurt like hell. Anyways…I guess that’s all I have to say about that.

So until next time…

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If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255