Dream a Bigger Dream of Me

I made a big… BIG change in my life. I took something that was probably the most interesting thing about me, the thing that I devoted most my time, energy, and thought into… and I quit it. Why? Because I needed to make that part of my life smaller, so I could make my life bigger in ways that had nothing to do with a paycheck. I set out with a perfect check list to find my new dream job and I freaking did it. It took nearly a year, but I did it!! All I wanted was a job where I could be great at it. Enjoy doing it. And most importantly leave it at the door when I left. I never again wanted to be tempted to check my emails during the evenings or weekends. I wanted to be able to eat lunch and not find myself in the middle of brainstorming about some project half the time. More simply put, I needed to be able to turn it off and not feel less than for doing so. The problem is I find myself in that “Now what?” phase. I have a list a mile long of goals and plans and hopes and dreams. Where to start? How to start? Here I was thinking the hardest part was over when really, it’s just beginning. My first baby step is getting back into writing. I have the time now. No excuses. I’ve started journaling again, and of course there is this blog itself. Still tip toeing around that novel that’s like ¼ finished, but I’ll get there (don’t hold me to that). I also desperately want to find a way to be brave enough to do stand up just once. Just one open mic night, but I simply can’t imagine a world where I will ever have the nerve. And do I really need public confirmation I’m not as funny as I hope I am? No. No I do not. I want to finally buy that house… And finally prioritize my health… (I’m not necessarily unhealthy but it’s always been a back burner concern. I’m not getting any younger so I should probably, like, care a little bit more.) I want to travel!! I told my mom that for her 70th I’d take her on a trip, she just had to name the place. Looks like Hawaii… but as luck would have it we won’t actually be able to go until her 71st birthday. Ah, timing… not always on my side. I just want to put myself out there more. I quit a job that was my entire community. At the same time my tiny but precious group of close friends seems to have shrunk… in the most surprising of ways. Letting people just move on with their lives without you is hard. When you care and want to still be a part of those lives you were a part of for so long… it’s sad. But it’s also true people grow apart. There’s no falling out or anything. Life brought you together, and life will move you in different directions. It’s depressing but a part of getting older I guess. I made a pact with myself years ago I wouldn’t nag people to hang out with me or stay in touch. I learned that if you feel like it’s always you who are reaching out, stop. If that’s where the communication ends, if they don’t try to reach out to you, it’s simply time to move on. No anger, no one did anything wrong. Just, time. But alas that damn timing. I left my job for a bigger life… and in this particular way it just feels so much smaller. A list a mile long of goals and plans and hopes and dreams… still no clue how to reach them… or who will be there with you when you do. Even as I type this I don’t know if that’s a sad or exciting thing. Maybe it can be both.