Now and Then

July 30th, 2022 - Now

When it gets to be all a bit much I go on long drives. Typically, at night. Always alone. Often music up and windows down. Today, was not quite such a day. Nothing at all is a bit too much. Everything these days has a new peace to it. So today I set out to fill the day with some of my favorite things. A Starbucks run, a good burger, scoping out the early Halloween décor at my favorite stores, and a long drive in the beautiful weather,during the day, music up windows down. I set out on 61 and just kept going for almost an hour before finally turning around, at this building with a bright fun mural, and headed home. Along the way I was looking for new gems but other than a Taco place I was unaware of in White Bear Lake there wasn’t much. So, I just took in the green trees and blue sky of it all. The smell of fresh cut grass and fresh air came pouring in and it felt incredibly calming. The voice of Lizzo was my only company in the car and more than welcomed as I gave a solo concert to no one. I love these drives for two reasons. I love what I get to see, and I love the time it gives me to think. On these type of drives, the ones on the good days, it’s nice to think on hopes and plans and dreams for the future. The ones on the dark days tend to just be an attempt to not think about anything. To just hide in the night and be still. To quiet the chaos. To feel anything or to feel nothing or maybe both, if that makes any sense at all. Those are the drives you take when you feel the weight of the world on already heavy shoulders. But the drive today, that drive welcomed the weight of the world. Was ready to take anything on because it rested on shoulders that were light in and of themselves for the first time in a long time. The weight of the world is welcomed to keep me from floating away, to give me purpose and drive to keep going. It's no longer like a large stone on an already concrete filled soul, but merely a feather delicatley resting atop a bubble. Still a fight, but one with so much more hope. So the next time one of these drives happens at night, it’s not to become one with the darkness but to find the light. To see the stars. To dream. To be able to see the most beautiful moon and not have trouble in believing there could be that kind of beauty and radiance in the dark but knowing that is what you should always be searching for in the night.

March 19th, 2022 - Then

When it gets to be all a bit much I go on long drives. Typically, at night. Always alone. Often music up and windows down. Tonight, was such a night for reasons that don’t really matter. Unlike my normal drives I blew past the point where I would turn around and kept going. Figured I’d make an adventure out of it. I could smell spring fighting its way into the air. Faint but recognizable. The chill of the breeze had lost the bitterness of winter. It was peaceful. For a little while anyway.

After a short bit of driving in unfamiliar territory I came to a dead end. It appeared after a curve in the road. I could see the sign indicating I had to pick a turn. Behind it, it was so open. All sky. I looked up and a moon so large it seemed to touch the ground took my breath away. It radiated with this amber spark. Like a giant gem hovering above. It was stunning. And even though it was right there in front of me I found myself questioning if it was even real. I could barely take my eyes off it, but I had to pick which way to turn. When I finally did I tried to make a mental note. I needed to remember where to turn to get back home. I drove for a bit mostly annoyed that anyone else was out on what I was assuming were “middle of nowhere” roads. Bright lights intruding on my thinking and brooding, brooding, and thinking. When all you want is to get lost in the dark, but these flashes of light fill your review mirror or assault you from the oncoming way, it’s frustrating. All you want is the peace that only dark can afford you with the calm and stillness of it. Eventually I hit a point where traffic was finally sparse, almost nonexistent. It became so dark the trees against the starless night sky looked like shapes that had been cut out of thin air. Empty cavernous voids in the earth. So dark it was like those trees were wet black paint that had been spilled onto a charcoal gray canvas of sky and here I was driving down the middle of it all. I could tell in the daytime this would be a beautiful drive. But at night, in the unfamiliar it was maddening. The road started to constantly curve and twist. Bright yellow warning signs of the change in direction were illuminated by my headlights. Arrows pointing one way and then another. I wasn’t technically turning. I stayed on the same road. Going straight in the most twisted way possible. The whole time thinking there was probably some symbolism here. Having to concentrate too hard on the next curve to give that too much thought. Thinking there was probably symbolism in that as well. I would have sworn I had driven all night, but it was maybe an hour. I turned around and headed back. After a while I realized I missed my turn to home; my mental note had failed me. I kept driving knowing I would figure it out one way or another. And then suddenly, I knew exactly where I was. I don’t know how I managed to get there but everything was familiar again. Bright. Traffic. Normal. I was right back on track to head home. Like the detour never happened. Like waking up safe in bed after a crazy dream. As I was in the final short stretch home I started to write this, in my head. Trying to find the right words to describe the completely extraordinary ordinary of it all. The beauty in the dark. The calm in the chaos. The answers in the nothingness.