"Uh-Oh" and Other Quarantine Realizations

As it goes for just about any human, I have had that “forever-to-do-list” for…well… forever. You know that list with a million little projects to get done “when there’s time”, but until now there’s never actually been the time. Organize this, clean that, sort this, buy that, start this, end that. The list is always changing and evolving. Growing and shrinking, mostly growing. However now that I’ve been quarantining for what feels like forever that list almost doesn’t exist anymore. I’ve done all the things. It’s all been cleaned and organized. I’ve downgraded and taken more trips in the last month to Goodwill than I have the entirety of my life before this. I shredded pounds of old papers, and even dropped off all those old medicine bottles collected from many (MANY) years at the proper drop off. I did all the sewing and ironing and washing and sorting. I’ve dusted high and low, reorganized keepsakes and souvenirs and all the odd collections I’ve acquired over time. I filed this, decorated that, reduced this, increased that. I’ve started writing more and exploring different hobbies. I’ve cleaned all the things. I’ve done all the things. I’ve even watched all the Netflix. Or at least it feels that way.

Tonight as I was sitting in my bedroom folding a sweater to put away in the proper spot, and not to the bench at the end of my bed where most clothes typically go to die… I looked around and all of a sudden, I heard myself say out loud to literally no one, “there’s room now”. My next thought was “Oh Shit!”. I’ve held on firmly to a self-imposed belief that there was no room in my life for anyone else because I had too much to do first. How could I possibly even think of opening my life up to anyone else when my life felt unorganized and therefor almost juvenile. “Messy bed, Messy head” is a motto I live by. It made sense that if my space was a mess than I was a mess and based on priorities I couldn’t think of anything else, especially not a relationship. Plus there was no literal room for anyone else. First thing first, get my act together. And god damn it I got my act together! I am now living in the most put together place I ever have been both physically and mentally. (The latter of which I’ll never understand. The one time my brain isn’t broken is when it should have absolutely shattered. In the old days a slightly inconvenient week would send me spiraling, but a whole global pandemic has turned me into an unexpected Zen master of positivity. But I digress, that’s a psycho analysis for another day.) Back to the case at hand…

I fucked up… by making things not fucked up. I have no excuse now. Which means I must face a lot of ugly truths.

1.) I may be irrefutable damaged from past experiences and I will unequivocally self sabotage any future relationship… OR I may have learned invaluable lessons in those said past experiences that helped me grow into a person who can maintain a healthy relationship now. However finding out which it is, is a bit like a game of Russian roulette.

2.) While I feel being fiercely independent and solo is on "brand" for me… there is also the cold hard truth that there has never been a line at my door of potential love interests. My door is a barren land with tumbleweeds and the haunting soundtrack of crickets in the background.

3.) I will forever be better in writing than in person. Social awkwardness is a barrier in even attempting to meet new people. Someone would have to be willing to invest the 12-24 month trial period it will take for me to accept them into my pack. Only then can I be unabashedly my dorky, adorable, wonderful self.

4.) I don’t particular like people. So… that’s probably an issue.

I feel like I should just take out an ad that says:

37 SWF I’m primarily looking for someone I can see myself with in the future… having a really amicable divorce with.

#realtionshipgoals I like my space and my décor is a representation of who I am. I don’t want your Xbox and/or sports team foam finger fucking that up and invading my very coveted space. My corner of the world. My one and only sanctuary. Basically, I will not want to live with you, like ever. How do you feel about a neighbor situation? Also, I’m not confrontational. It's a major anxiety trigger for me. However, I’ve spent years fighting my battles, but I just really need a god damn break. Someone who can go over and knock on the neighbor’s door when their music is blaring or deal with the inept property manager who doesn’t want to actually do their job.

OH, and I’m short so I’m going to need you to be taller because there are things on shelves I haven’t seen in years. There could be lost hikers up there, I mean I don't know! As much as I love the intrusive thoughts that pop into my head every time I climb a step stool (like, "I’m totally going to fall, bump my head and get eaten by the cat before anyone finds my body"), I would just like to designate someone else to the high shelf department manager position.

My intuition is crazy on point and has never been wrong, so if I accuse of something you haven’t done… it just means you haven’t done it yet…

Hold on!!! It's not all bad news for you my potential life mate. I can admit when I am wrong, and I’m wrong a lot.

If you like food… you know? That thing that helps with survival.

I’m a crazy good cook and baker, and food is basically my only love language. I’m never going to want to change you because you’re never going to successfully change me, and fair is fair.

And if I have you in my life rest assured it’s because I really WANT you there.

I don’t NEED you there.

So like… call me maybe…

Hahaha… I’m totally going to die alone.

It’s okay. This quarantine has also shown me how cut out I am for this lifestyle. If it weren’t for the reason for all this, it would be fantastic. My little introverted heart and I were just made for the hermit life. My happily ever after looks more like Grey gardens than Cinderella…and that’s okay. I'll take headscarves and racoons over glass shoes and mice any day.