Unprotected and Why it Feels Like No Lives Matter.

Today when I left home I had made it about two blocks when I saw multiple emergency vehicles coming the opposite direction. There was a fire vehicle, an ambulance, and three cop cars. I pulled over to the curb by an entrance to some apartments. There was a sidewalk there and a bus stop, but I hadn’t noticed anything unusual. I was busy looking at the oncoming flashing lights, expecting them to pass so I could go on my way. Suddenly they were all turning and parking in the street in front of me. That’s when I finally looked and saw a man lying on the sidewalk. He was a middle aged, black man lying face up on the ground. His arms were at his sides and there was no movement. My heart stopped at the sight, but when someone from one of the vehicles spoke to him, he sat right up. Smiled at them and appeared a bit confused at what all the commotion was about. I don’t know if he had suffered some sort of medical emergency, or if he had any mental or substance issues, or if he was just a guy who laid himself down on public sidewalks from time to time. It didn’t matter, I was just so glad to see him sit up that I put my car in drive and was about to pull away from the curb when all of a sudden my whole body forced me to a complete stop. An automatic reaction to a sudden thought. This was a black man, by all accounts completely unarmed, surrounded by a number of emergency vehicles, the majority of which were the police. My thoughts should have been that “This man could not be any safer, could not be in any better hands”. My actual thoughts were, “Maybe I should stay. Maybe he won’t be okay. Maybe he’ll need someone to help him." By this point an officer had left their vehicle and was approaching. She smiled at him. She seemed kind, she didn’t seem threatening. She appeared to want to help. I felt comfortable at this sight and went on my way.

There was a lot to emotionally unwrap. I was deeply saddened that when I saw this my first reaction was that he might be in more danger. I was saddened that this was not an absurd thought, that I was justified in my concern. Justified to think of Floyd, and Castile, and Taylor, and McClain, and countless others. I was sad because here was this officer doing their job, doing it right, but they’re under the scrutiny created by the actions of others. There’s a stigma, and that stigma has been earned. But it was earned by some not all. In the end it’s the job, the uniform, the badge that’s become the face of the problem. The person in that job, the person wearing the uniform, the person holding that badge may not deserve any of it. Maybe they do. They may just be someone who got the call that a man appeared to be in need of help. Someone who got out of their vehicle and approached him with a smile, checked on him, made sure he was okay. All while a car near by began to go, came to sudden stop, and watched, “just in case”. Just in case they were part of the problem. Just in case they pointed a gun at his chest. Just in case they put a knee on his neck.

This is not about sympathy or condemnation for police. This is about a complex observation made at a time when my awareness was heightened. It’s an honest point of view by someone, by me, while I try to make sense of these times that make no damn sense at all. I’m grappling with a different understanding of the world. A world that I had always thought was better than it is. A world that has been exposed in its raw imperfection. I had a faith in people that I’m trying to hold on to with a white knuckled grasp, but it’s slipping. I have seen so much ugliness in the minds, hearts, words, and actions of people. Many of which have been recently emboldened by these chaotic times. They feed off of it. They revel in it. It’s a time when it can feel like the bad guys are winning. The villains are winning.

When I was little, I was taught that if I needed help, I could turn to some sort of authority. A teacher, a parent, an officer. If we were talking on a national scale, our leaders. What do you do when you need that help because of the authority? We are living in a time where on a daily basis we are constantly being reminded that our very lives mean nothing. If you’re black in America your life can be taken from you on a public street, or even in your own home by those who were supposed to protect you. If you are any American, your life can be bartered for the sake of the economy. If you’re older, you don’t matter. If you’re poor, you don’t matter. If you’re female, you don’t matter. If you’re not “from here” you don’t matter. Hell, even if you are “from here” you don’t matter.

And that message is being signed sealed and delivered by the very people in the positions that are supposed to be protecting us. The same people whose misguided mantra is “All Lives Matter” when what they really mean is “All Lives Matter, Except…”